


loving you is too hard

by stupidbadgers



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, M/M, Pancakes, it's sad but it gets better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24594865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidbadgers/pseuds/stupidbadgers
Summary: kakashi was so quiet when he spoke, iruka had to strain to hear him, “you said you loved me.”“i do, more than i could ever love anyone, but loving you is too hard. all i do is get hurt.”
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 13
Kudos: 125





	loving you is too hard

**Author's Note:**

> i've been working on this for a bit, but something in the [ Umino Hours discord server](https://the-umino-hours.tumblr.com) prompted me to finish this up. if it weren't for the wonderful and supportive people over there, i don't think i would be writing as much as i am. 
> 
> unsurprisingly this was inspired by a couple of songs by Oh Wonder, as well as some other music. can't have my angstcake without music! 
> 
> enjoy~~

“So, you’re just leaving?” Kakashi asked incredulously. 

“What do you want me to say? Things are better if I stay?” Iruka could feel the hot tears tracing down his cheeks. “Obviously they aren’t, Kakashi! We’ve tried. I’ve tried. But Kakashi…” Iruka trailed off, his voice catching. He didn’t want to break up with Kakashi, but it was becoming too much. ANBU was taking their toll on both of them and after a year of being together, Iruka couldn’t handle it anymore. 

Kakashi was so quiet when he spoke, Iruka had to strain to hear him, “you said you loved me.” 

“I do, more than I could ever love anyone, but loving you is too hard. All I do is get hurt.” 

“You promised you’d be there,” the accusation sat heavy between them. 

“You don’t make it easy, Kakashi.” 

Kakashi's dual gaze snapped to Iruka's, the anger seeping through his words, “I never said it would be easy. In fact, I seem to recall being very clear with you that I only bring pain and destruction wherever I go. _You_ were the one who promised to weather this storm, this hurricane that I am, with me. _You_ promised to be by my side. I _told you_ that I could not be loved, I am simply a weapon of our home and our leaders. _You were the one to tell me otherwise, to promise to show me that I was not._ And now you are casting me aside because I’m too difficult to love.” Kakashi scoffed, the noise filled with self-disgust. 

“Kakashi,” Iruka started softly, “I'm so-" 

“ _Don’t._ ” 

Iruka’s jaw snapped shut with an audible click. 

Kakashi grew colder, the tension in his body winding tighter than Iruka had ever seen. Though he slouched, it was forced. He was trying his best to not stand at attention, something he did when he was angry. Kakashi looked Iruka directly in the eyes, the gaze so staggeringly unemotional that it caused Iruka to take a half step back before realizing what he was doing. 

Kakashi's voice was even, but distant, his eyes looking to the side of Iruka, rather than at him. “Forgive me, Umino-sensei, for taking up so much of your time.” 

He body flickered away before Iruka could even draw in a breath. 

*** 

The next day when Iruka arrived home, all of Kakashi’s things were missing from the apartment. It felt colder somehow, less inviting without Kakashi’s awful books on the bookshelf, his green shuriken blanket missing from the back of the couch. 

He curled into his bed, holding the pillow that still smelled like Kakashi to his face as he cried, his heart a shattered mess of his own making. 

* * *

**FIVE YEARS LATER**

Kakashi couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think beyond _Iruka_. 

What a thing to come home to, finding out that bastard Mizuki got Naruto— _Naruto—_ to steal a forbidden scroll and then nearly killed Iruka while attempting to kill Naruto. The killing intent lashing from Kakashi could not be contained. It whipped from him in tendrils, threatening everyone around him. 

The people in the corridors of the hospital gave him a wide-berth as he made his way quickly and silently through the hospital, following the faint echo of Iruka’s chakra. He never had been able to stop unconsciously identifying it, even after the breakup. Kakashi made it all the way to the corridor outside the operating room, the Hokage sitting at the end by the door, before ANBU stopped him, tantos drawn. 

It was never a good idea to be leeching killing intent when approaching the Hokage. 

It took all of Kakashi’s willpower to not react instinctively to the threat in front of him, to not snarl and take out everyone who stood between him and Iruka. They were only a threat because he himself was a threat. 

“Let him through,” the Hokage said quietly, not looking down the hall at them. “You can only stay if you get control of yourself, Kakashi. Let me tell you what I know.” 

*** 

Kakashi held the cup of coffee in his hand, pacing the room. It had been hot several hours ago. 

Naruto was curled up in the chair beside Iruka’s bed, dozing. At least he had stopped eyeing Kakashi warily, like he was expecting him to attack suddenly. Kakashi had managed to rein in most of the killing intent but it slipped through at times. The first time ANBU had appeared immediately, ready to neutralize the threat. When they realized it was just Kakashi, they sighed and returned to their posts, but became closely attuned to the feeling of Kakashi’s specific killing intent. 

Twenty-two hours. 

Iruka had been unconscious for twenty-two hours after his surgery. He had no idea that Naruto had refused to leave his side, that Kakashi had been pacing for twenty-two hours. The coffee had been delivered by the ANBU Cat just before shift change and he had taken over the watch outside Iruka’s hospital door. Now the coffee was cold, just as full as it had been when it was placed in his hand. 

When Kakashi had asked the last time the nurse was in to check Iruka’s vitals, he had been told Iruka was stable and no news was good news. Cat was escorting the nurse out before Kakashi could respond. 

Kakashi had taken to praying, his hands gripping the end of Iruka’s bed, the wood creaking under the force of Kakashi’s grip. He hadn’t prayed much and not in a very long time, but he didn’t know if he would survive a world that didn’t have Iruka. He couldn’t lose Iruka, not again. Not in this way. At least before he still was able to see the other man, to know he was alive and breathing and well. 

He just needed Iruka to wake up. 

*** 

Naruto was still in the chair, having got up to stretch once or twice. 

It wasn’t normal to see him without his energy, filled to the brim with it. It wasn’t normal to see him withdrawn and sitting so still. 

Kakashi had stopped pacing, but couldn’t sit here any longer. He had tried to sleep, only getting an hour or so before giving up. He didn’t want to leave Iruka’s side, but the hospital walls were closing in on him and he needed air. He hated the hospital, the atmosphere too much for him. 

He thought about all the ways Iruka had affected his life, every moment they interacted, from that first mission, to their first kiss, to the first time they slept together, to Iruka telling him he was too difficult to love. Those words still tore at his heart. He had tried to hate Iruka for saying those cruel words to him, but he couldn’t. He could never hate Iruka. Not when he loved him so much. That love had not ceased to wrap his heart up and squeeze in the last five years. If anything, over the last several years, he had seemingly fallen deeper in love with the man. It was the soft smiles and the “come back safe” that was always whispered with a hint of a blush. Nothing like that time right after they broke up. 

If it hadn’t been for Iruka, he wouldn’t have made it through those last years in ANBU. He had only managed another year or so after they broke up before being pulled. Iruka had been right. Kakashi was letting himself fall apart in ANBU, seeking absolution for all of the things he had done wrong. But it had been Iruka’s sweet smiles, faint blushes, and kind words that propelled Kakashi forward from one day to the next, even after he broke up with Kakashi, because Kakashi knew that if there was something as good and pure in the world as Iruka, he couldn’t leave it. 

Abruptly Kakashi stood from his chair, startling Naruto. 

“Let’s go,” Kakashi said quietly. 

“I’m not leaving,” Naruto pouted. 

Kakashi sighed, “we’ll be back before he wakes, I’m sure of it. We both could use some air though.” 

Naruto crossed his arms, getting ready to argue. Kakashi levelled him with a look, his usual slouched, bored demeanor completely vacant from his body. 

“Fine,” Naruto grumbled. He grabbed Iruka’s hand before whispering, “we’ll be right back and then you can wake up, because you gotta wake up. Dattebayo.” 

*** 

They returned two hours later after getting ramen and stopping at the Yamanaka Flower Shop. Iruka was still unconscious. Kakashi carried the bright yellow and green sunflowers into the room, placing them on the table beside Iruka’s bed. Naruto carried in a bowl of ramen, setting it next to the flowers. 

“We brought you ramen, Iruka-sensei! You gotta wake up so you can eat it!” 

“Naruto, would you get me a cup of coffee? Get something for yourself too,” Kakashi said, handing Naruto money. 

“Ah, but we just got back!” 

“Please, Naruto.” 

Naruto grumbled, but took the money and went out the door. 

Kakashi sat in the chair next to Iruka’s bed. Tentatively he reached out for Iruka’s hand, unsure of whether Iruka would be okay with him holding it. The memory of Iruka’s hand in his still burned in his mind. He thought back to the small smiles and warm blushes Iruka had graced him with over the last year; he thought about their conversation from the bench, when he told Iruka to open his heart to Naruto. Iruka had looked so sad in that moment, the burning flame that he held in his eyes and his heart nearly extinguished. Kakashi had told him that if anyone could befriend Naruto—who was just a boy, not the demon-fox—it was Iruka because Iruka had, after all, managed to love Kakashi. The other man had stared at Kakashi before grabbing his hand and squeezing briefly. He had thanked Kakashi for his advice and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek before leaving. It was that moment that any anger Kakashi had left in him toward Iruka had dissipated, completely evaporated from his being. 

It felt like time had flown by since then, but also felt like it was just yesterday. They had steadily grown closer since the moment on the bench, no longer avoiding each other or giving curt responses when interactions couldn’t be helped. They each learned about the person they had become in their time apart. 

He grasped Iruka’s hand, squeezing it tightly. He brought it to his masked lips, placing a gentle kiss on the back of it. 

“I brought you flowers. I wish you could see them. They remind me of you.” Kakashi glanced at the clock. “Iruka, you’ve been unconscious for forty-two hours, please, please wake up. _I need you to wake up_.” 

He was still sat at the side of the bed, his hands holding Iruka’s to his forehead when Naruto came back. The boy handed Kakashi his coffee before settling himself on the end of Iruka’s bed, near his feet. They sat in almost silence, the only sound the beeping of machines. 

*** 

It was several hours later that Kakashi woke with a start, his hand still holding Iruka’s. He looked around, trying to figure out what had startled him awake. His coffee sat cold on the table. The ramen was gone, but as he looked over at Naruto, still on the end of Iruka’s bed—though now he was curled up and sleeping—he saw the empty container. The kid must have got hungry. 

Kakashi’s hand being squeezed gently, barely, made him realize why he had awoken. 

“Iruka?” Kakashi whispered. The pressure was applied to his hand again. “Oh god, Iruka, you’re awake. Can you open your eyes?” 

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, Iruka’s eyes opened. Kakashi had never been so grateful to see the dark brown of the other man’s eyes. He pushed up his headband revealing his Sharingan, memorizing them, committing them to memory forever. Iruka turned his head just a little to look at Kakashi better, those beautiful eyes of his gathering tears. Kakashi cupped Iruka’s cheek, his thumb stroking the scar that ran across the man’s nose. Iruka nudged his head into Kakashi’s palm. 

“I’m so happy you’re awake. I couldn’t lose you again. I’ve lost so much already, but the world needs you in it,” Kakashi rambled quietly. “I should get the nurse, tell them you’ve woken up. Naruto’s at the end of the bed. He’s barely left your side.” 

Iruka’s voice was hoarse from disuse, barely more than a whisper, “stay, just a moment longer, please.” 

“Anything for you, Iruka.” 

*** 

Iruka’s recovery was slow, but Kakashi (and Naruto, and by extension Sasuke and Sakura) were there for him, helping him along the way. While Iruka was grateful for all of them, he was most happy when Kakashi was there with soft words and tender hands. Mizuki’s betrayal hurt him emotionally, almost more than physically, but having Kakashi by his side was enough to soothe it. Kakashi was a balm to his soul and his heart. 

He didn’t forget why he had broken up with Kakashi all those years ago, but he did recognize that the man had grown in their time apart, had realized himself to be more than just a soldier, a weapon of Konoha. He also knew that he had never stopped loving Kakashi, that he was it for Iruka, and Iruka stopped denying it to himself. He was stronger now than he had been before and they were different people than they had been. Iruka decided to take the chance again and let Kakashi in. 

It happened only a few weeks after he had woken in the hospital that first time on a nondescript day that held no significance except for the rain that hadn’t stopped. Iruka’s back ached more when it rained and he was stiff when he woke up to the smell of pancakes. 

When he wandered to his kitchen, Kakashi was already in there, a plate of pancakes stacked high on the counter next to him. The man wore his shinobi uniform sans the vest. He turned at the sound of Iruka coming into the kitchen, a smile lighting his bared face. 

“Morning, sensei. I made pancakes. I wanted to make sure you ate something. You don’t when your back is hurting more.” 

It was true and Iruka hadn’t realized it until Kakashi said it, but the man’s casual observation and concern tipped the scales for Iruka. It made him take that leap again. And despite them becoming even closer than they had been, with far more casual touches and lingering gazes, holding hands while Iruka recovered, they hadn’t taken this step. 

Iruka shuffled across the room, walking right into Kakashi’s personal space, slotting himself against the older man. He held Kakashi’s face in his hands, pulling him down just enough to kiss him softly on the lips. He pressed his forehead against Kakashi’s chest, wrapping his arms around his slim waist. 

“Thank you,” Iruka whispered, unable to convey everything he felt. 

*** 

Things were good between the two for a short while, but all good things seemed to have an end for Iruka. 

He went home directly after the meeting, not having to conduct the preliminaries until the next day. He was too angry to be near anyone, felt too betrayed by Kakashi’s harsh words. How could Kakashi say those things? How could he imply that it would be okay for the children to get hurt, for Naruto to get hurt? Didn’t he care about them? Was he wrong to think that Kakashi had grown from the soldier that he had been? This was the same kind of behavior that had caused Iruka to walk away from Kakashi in the first place, despite how much he loved the man. 

He was too absorbed in his thoughts to notice the chakra signature that had approached his door, reaching out to him before the man even knocked. The knock was hesitant, careful, as if they knew to be wary of Iruka’s wrath that was sure to be there when he opened the door. 

Iruka didn’t bother getting up from his kitchen table. 

“Go away.” 

A pause. 

“I think we should talk,” Kakashi’s voiced drifted through the wooden door, pitched low enough for only Iruka to hear, but not the neighbors. 

Iruka scoffed, “I think you said enough.” 

“Iruka,” Kakashi began, but stopped. There was a thud against the door. Iruka could only assume it was Kakashi’s head hitting the door. 

He stood abruptly, the chair screeching, and stalked to the door, ripping it almost off the hinges as he pulled it open. 

“You want to talk? Fine! You want to endanger these children to make a point! Your head is shoved so far up your own ass that you can’t see that they aren’t ready to risk their lives for something they have no way of understanding completely.” He was fuming, out of breath, red-faced. Iruka’s anger always had a way of getting the best of him, though he did not often lose this much control. 

Kakashi had the decency to look embarrassed as he tried to usher Iruka further in, not wanting to continue this with the door open. 

“Iruka, that’s not true,” he said after the door was closed and Iruka had stalked away from him into the kitchen. He followed, standing at the small table, wanting to give Iruka the space he obviously desired. “I believe in their skills as shinobi. I think—” 

“I don’t think you are thinking, Kakashi!” Iruka shouted, throwing his hands up. “If you were, you would realize this is a terrible idea. They are more than just soldiers. I thought you understood that, I thought you realized you were more than just a soldier.” 

“I did! I do!” Kakashi’s own frustration was leaking through his carefully constructed control as he pushed his hands through his hair. “You’ve only reminded me repeatedly.” 

Iruka blinked, taken aback. Kakashi had sounded annoyed. 

His anger deflated, leaving behind hurt and confusion. 

“Maybe... maybe we shouldn’t have tried again,” Iruka whispered, looking down. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes, but refused to let them fall. 

He heard a bark of sarcastic laughter, making his head snap up. Kakashi had turned away from him, but he could see he had his hand over his face. 

“So, what? You’re just going to walk away again?” 

Pain lanced through Iruka, “I... that’s not fair, Kakashi.” 

“You’re the one who left, Iruka. You walked away from this before.” Kakashi’s voice was cold, unemotional. 

Iruka looked at the man he loved, had never stopped loving. He couldn’t see Kakashi’s face, but he could hear the pain that laced through the words, despite the cold tone, could see the tension set in his shoulders. 

Iruka’s voice was quiet when he spoke again, “I left, but you didn't stop me.” 

“You made it pretty clear why you were leaving. It would have been selfish of me to stop you. I didn’t deserve you then and I don’t deserve you now.” 

Iruka’s heart broke a little at those words. The man before him deserved the world, had sacrificed so much and constantly put himself on the line for others and their village, but asked for nothing in return. He truly believed himself to be little more than a weapon, a tool for the hands that controlled their home. 

He took a deep breath and walked over to Kakashi, pulling on the taller man until he turned. He looked into the grey eye, swirling with emotion and placed a hand on his clothed cheek. Iruka realized he was wrong to have said those words to Kakashi, that he was stooping low in bringing up Kakashi’s insecurities, even if he hadn’t meant to, as well as implying he did not care about the genin. His words were harsh and now he needed to fix this. 

“I’m sorry, Kakashi.” 

Kakashi leaned into the touch, closing his eye. “Iruka.” The name was more of a sigh. 

“I was angry over the nominations and I let it control me. It wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have said what I did.” 

“Your passion is one of the many reasons why I love you. Sometimes that passion bleeds to anger. Though I hate to be on the receiving end of it, it is still something I love about you,” Kakashi's words were softly spoken. He had opened his grey eye again, searching Iruka's gaze as he spoke. “I wouldn’t trade your passion or anger for anything. Especially because you know when to admit you are wrong and you don’t let your pride dictate you.” 

Kakashi paused his speech, placing his hands on either side of Iruka's face, pulling the man closer. He placed a soft kiss on the bridge of Iruka's nose, right where his scar sat, before continuing, “it’s likely they won’t pass, anyway, but it will be a good experience for them.” 

Iruka didn't know what to say to the first part of Kakashi's speech, though his face had turned a pretty shade of red. Instead he focused on the last thing the other man had said. 

“I worry about them, all of them. I may not teach them anymore, but they will always be my students, Kakashi.” Iruka leveled a glare at the man, remembering his words from earlier that day, though the effect was slightly subdued by the red tinge still covering his nose and cheeks. 

Kakashi nodded, “you’re right. I shouldn’t have said that to you. I know how important these kids are to you. And I know you want them all to have the chance to be kids. You gave them that opportunity. But you also know we are shinobi. They are shinobi. As soon as they passed their genin tests, they became shinobi.” 

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it,” Iruka replied, “but I know what you’re saying. I understand. I have faith in them, even if I worry about them.” 

“I know you do,” Kakashi said, placing a gentle kiss on Iruka’s forehead. 

*** 

Later that night, they laid in bed, Kakashi on his back and Iruka curled into his side, head pillowed on Kakashi's chest. Kakashi was slowly threading his fingers through Iruka's dark hair while Iruka traced meaningless patterns on Kakashi's abdomen, connecting scars with his fingers. The silence was comfortable, the only sound their steady breathing. 

Kakashi's fingers stopped for a moment, before he murmured, “Iruka?” 

Iruka tipped his head up to look into his lover's face. A dual gaze pierced him. 

“Yeah?” 

Kakashi's voice was quiet when he spoke, “for the record, I should have stopped you. You’re my best friend and I should have stopped you. We missed out on so much time together because of me. I’ll always regret the time we spent apart. It would have been selfish of me to ask you not to leave, but we could have grown together, we could have got better together. I’m sorry.” 

Iruka placed his hand over Kakashi's heart, feeling it race as Kakashi spoke. 

“I think as long as we learn from our mistakes and failures, that it makes them worthwhile. And though I missed you desperately, every day, the time apart helped us become who we are today. We’re together now, right? That’s what matters. This moment here. I wouldn’t trade this for the world.” 

Kakashi blinked at Iruka as he thought over his words, a small, crooked smile tugging at his lips, “I love you, Iruka.” 

The smile he got in return nearly blinded Kakashi. It was filled with so much love it made him ache. 

“I love you too” Iruka whispered, laying his head back on Kakashi's chest. The pale fingers resumed their task of massaging Iruka's scalp. He wrapped his arm tightly around Kakashi's middle before allowing the steady thrum of Kakashi’s heart lull him to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> the [kkir minibang](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/KakaIru_Mini_Bang/works) just finished up! i definitely recommend checking out all the amazing stories over there!!
> 
> stay safe and well out there. ♡
> 
> find me on [ tumblr](https://stupidbadgers.tumblr.com).


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